Bittersweet Day

 Today was one of the best and worst days of my life,…

It’s our third visit to this church and already am I waking at 5 plus in the morning to get ready to go for music practice which starts at 8.30am.

No kidding. I got up wondering if I was going to be playing for the service. Just the night before, I was given a set of songs I never heard before. Did I listen and try to play them? Yes, I did. Of course.

But even after waking up, I could not sing one. I have not learned any. And I realized I can’t learn a song in panic mode. It just doesn’t work that way. Everything just went out the door no matter how much I listened to each song repeatedly, none of it caught on. Even until now, after everything at the end of the day, I can’t remember how to sing a simple stanza of any of those songs. Don’t ask me why. No idea. It’s not like I didn’t try.

I did whatever a normal person would do. I listened to it without the words, with the words on the screen, with the words on a sheet, tried playing the piano while the song was playing in the background, etc. but I can’t for the life of me remember any of it.

I’m starting to think it’s a spiritual issue. My brain was trying to absorb when I needed my heart to do it and my heart just wasn’t there. I can’t do this.

Eventually the time came. I walked into the hall with a bunch of chord sheets and even the chord sheet cheat. And scanning through those pages trying to sing them in my mind without a tune to match the words to. It’s the scariest thing ever.

I walked up that stage — seriously, why must musicians always be on stage? It wasn’t always like that. It’s not like we love the limelight. Is there really a need for space? — I walked up thinking — how can I do this but how can I not? And mostly thinking, “I’m just here to practice. I’m not actually playing.”

How deceiving that statement was. It was at this practice that I realized I could literally play a song I didn’t know and still not know it by the end of the day. Scary thought but true story.

The music director was kind enough to give me the key and the running chords for the song. The first song was three chords repeatedly. The second, 4. And then there was the third song which key was the same as it was on paper, and the fourth — a song inserted in the last minute — a familiar song, without any chords at all but 4 running chords throughout the entire song — How Great is Our God. That song was a savior. I’ll tell you why.

The practice went ok. I managed to play. I survived. I kept afloat. Praise God for that.

The worship leader gave me a set of earplugs so I could hear myself — he even got it to sync on his iPhone which he passed to me so I could control my own volume on them. Another savior. It was difficult to set up, but was a huge save. I just could not hear myself without it.

I jumped off stage and scribbled down whatever I could remember from the practice and confirmed with the worship coordinator if that was the correct chords he thought me just now. Got the green light from him and a couple more lessons and it was time to get on stage.

It had begun. The service.

What in be world am I doing. Don’t know. Walked on up anyways.

Stood behind the keyboard. Tried to put the earpieces on. Spent the first 3/4 of the first song trying to put it on. No kidding. Played the last bit of that song and it was time to move on to the next.

The worship leader mentioned to the congregation something like, “Praise God we have a whole band here,” and smiled at me. I returned it with a glare. Sorry. Screwed up big time. Not sure if I’m really playing at all. Spent the first three quarters of that song holding on to the earpiece and still couldn’t fully get them in by the second song. 

Second song. Worship coordinator who was on the guitar said something like, “I’m sorry, we started on the wrong key.” Then totally changed the key from what we practiced. I lost them. What key are we on now?!

Spent that whole song wondering which key they were at while trying to cover that up at the same time.

The third song came. Key wrong again. No idea what key they were playing. Third song already. And I’m still not playing. No kidding. It’s starting to get embarrassing. If the last song is not a save, God help me.

By now, I was literally waiting for the song to pass. Last song came. Wrong key again. Did someone just transposed the whole keyboard up or something? I had to find the key.

I found it. By the Grace of God. It was A instead of G. I found the running chords. And I finally played it. Praise God. 

So yea.. best day and worst day. Right there.